I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I need to align my fucking chakras
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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