I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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