Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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