sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
