I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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