Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize