Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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