i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
