life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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