I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
