I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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