his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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