I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
