I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I wish there were birth control emojis
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize