I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
