There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
