What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
