if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
