remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
