it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
