Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
a search helicopter?!
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Randomize
