I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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