Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I just googled if crying burns calories
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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