thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
