Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize