This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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