Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize