how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have peed in a lot of sinks
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
