She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize