Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
