you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
