He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize