just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
