I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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