I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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