i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
