it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
A+ Viking dick
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize