The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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