I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
