somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
