my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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