I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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