If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
