I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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