Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
