I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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