You really coming over, don't trick.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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