babies were throwing up all over the place
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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