She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
