Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
a search helicopter?!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
