I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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