the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
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