So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
