I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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