God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
