Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
