Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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