I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize