also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
