I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
