I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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