wrigley field is MILF paradise
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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