I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
