this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
