There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
