Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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