Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
