i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I believe in your delicious
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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