Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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