is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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